The NFL: Classifying The Nicknames

There are thirty-two different franchises in the National Football League.  There are two different conferences, each with sixteen, and both conferences have four divisions, with four teams on each division.

I will divide the mascots into three categories- Animals, Humanoids, and Unclassifiable

Animals

Right now, there are only Birds and Mammals

Birds:

Baltimore Ravens- AFC North

Philadelphia Eagles- NFC East

Atlanta Falcons- NFC South

Arizona Cardinals- NFC West

Seattle Seahawks- NFC West

Mammals:

Order Cetacia: 

Miami Dolphins- AFC East

Order Artiodactyla:

Buffalo Bills- AFC East (Let's just say Buffalo to make it easier on us)

St. Louis Rams- NFC West

Order Perissodactyla:

Indianapolis Colts- AFC South

Denver Broncos- AFC West

Order Carnivora:

Family Felidae:

Cincinatti Bengals- AFC North

Jacksonville Jaguars- AFC South

Detroit Lions- NFC North

Carolina Panthers- NFC South

Family Ursidae:

Chicago Bears- NFC North

Humanoids:

Natural States of Being (Characteristics you are born with):

Houston Texans- AFC South

Washington Redskins- NFC East

Occupations:

Archaic Occupations: (Jobs people don't really have anymore, although a few remain, it's not very official)

New England Patriots- AFC East

Kansas City Chiefs- AFC West

Oakland Raiders- AFC West

Minnesota Vikings- NFC North

Tampa Bay Buccaneers- NFC South

San Francisco 49ers- NFC West

Modern Occupations: (Jobs some people still do for a living)

Pittsburgh Steelers- AFC North

Dallas Cowboys- NFC East

Green Bay Packers- NFC North (You know, people who pack stuff)

Supernatural Beings:

Tennessee Titans- AFC South

New York Giants- NFC East

New Orleans Saints- NFC South

Unclassifiable:

Manufactured Objects:

New York Jets- AFC East

References to the Color of the Team's Jerseys:

Cleveland Browns- AFC North

Bolts of Energy:

San Diego Chargers- AFC West (I guess)

Stuff White People Like

Here is a really awesome blog about stuff white people like.

And now I'm going to examine the list and see how many apply to me.

They will be graded by how much:

1 = SPOT-ON: This is perfectly true.

2 = PRETTY MUCH: Well, I guess it's right for the most part.

3 = NOPE: Self explanatory

N = HAVEN'T DONE IT/ TRIED IT/ SEEN IT

Coffee- 2 (I do like iced coffee and frappuchinos.  I hate burning my tongue though.)

Religions their parents don't belong to- N

Film Festivals- N

Assists- 2 (Our basketball team needs to pass more.  Maybe they should act whiter)

Farmer's markets- 1

Organic food- 2 (I like food in general)

Diversity- 2

Barack Obama- 2

Making you feel bad about not going outside- 3

Wes Anderson movies- N

Asian Girls- 1

Non-Profit Organizations- 2

Tea- 2 (I like sweet tea)

Having Black friends- 1

Yoga- N

Gifted children- 1

Hating their parents- 2

Awareness- 2

Traveling- 3

Being an expert on YOUR culture- 1

Writers workshops- N

Having two last names- 3

Microbreweries- 2

Wine- 2

David Sedaris- N

Manhattan- 2

Marathons- 3 (Running 26 miles? Fuck that.)

Not having a TV- 2 (no distractions is nice, but when South Park or The Office is on, I wish I had a TV)

80's Night- 3

Wrigley field- N

Snowboarding- 3 (probably due to a bad experience a long time ago.)

Vegan/Vegetarianism- 3

Marijuana- N

Architecture- 1

The Daily Show/ Colbert Report- 1

Breakfast places- 2

Renovations- 1

Arrested Development- N

Netflix- N

Apple Products- 1

Indie Music- 1

Sushi- N

Plays- 2

Public Radio- N

Asian Fusion Food- 1 (once again, it's food.)

The Sunday New York Times- N

Arts degrees- 3

Whole foods and grocery co-ops- 1

Vintage- 1

Irony- 1

Living by the water- 1

Sarah Silverman- 2

Dogs- 1

Kitchen gadgets- 2 (But my sister, who is also white, is definitely a 1)

Apologies- 3

Lawyers- N

Juno- N

Japan- 1

Natural Medicine- 1

Toyota Prius- N

Bicycles- 2

Knowing what's best for poor people- N

Expensive sandwiches- 1

Recycling- 2

Co-ed sports- 1

Divorce- 3

Standing still at concerts- 1 (LOL)

Michel Gondry- 1

Mos Def- N

Difficult Breakups- N

Being the only white person around- 1

Study abroad- 3

Oscar Parties- 1

Threatening to move to Canada- 3

Bottles of water- 1

Musical Comedy-2

Multilingual children- 1

Modern Furniture- 1

The idea of soccer- 3

Hating corporations- 2

Bad memories of high school- 1

T-Shirts- 1

The Wire- N

Shorts- 1

Outdoor performance clothes- 2

Having Gay Friends- N

St. Patrick's Day- 2 (I'm not Irish)

Dinner parties- 1

San Francisco- N

Book Deals- N

Music Piracy- 1

And now for a tally:

1's (Spot-on descriptions of me)- 32

2's (things I passively enjoy)- 23

3's (things that don't apply to me)- 13

N's (things I haven't experienced to comment on)- 23

Hmm... that doesn't add up to 93.  Oh well.

Perrilloux returns to the team on Sunday

I guess it was a misunderstanding after all whatever happened at Kona Bar and Grill.

I decided I will defend Les Miles.  He is a coach that won a National Championship and has a 34-6 record.  So if Les says Ryan Perrilloux stays, he stays.

Aw, Ryan. You're like that little badass kid in the principal's office every other day, but nothing you do is bad enough to expel you.

Miles will be portrayed as weak in the media. They will bash him just like they did on his road to the national championship.

But Les Miles knows that football is not a popularity contest, and there's a difference between doing what's best for the team and doing what the media thinks you should.

If Les was a losing coach, I wouldn't be so nice.  But instead, he's a winning coach who has won a National Championship, and I'm no one.

Here come five months of Miles/Perrilloux bashing by opponents and media before the season begins and the Tigers dominate.

He's still going to miss the spring game along with all of spring practice, but he will get to participate in the Washington DC trip.

Why, Ryan? WHY???

Ryan Perrilloux, you could have been a contendah.

No, really. You could have been one of the greatest players in LSU history. You are that talented.

Instead, your name will forever be associated with "high school star recruit bust".

"I hope Terrelle Pryor doesn't become the next Perrilloux"

Did you ever read Little Critter books when you were little?  Remember when you learned about something called self-control?

I guess you never learned after all.

For everyone else, here's the thing. Details are a jumble at this point, but the rumor goes that Ryan Perrilloux was at Kona Restaurant late one night recently. He wanted food, but the restaurant was about to close and had stopped serving, at which point Ryan threw a tantrum, involving a few four-letter words and going as far as calling one server "Osama." Nice one.

If you look at pictures of Ryan, no matter how much stubble he wears, he looks like a little kid. Too bad he acts like one as well.

Is Ryan gone? It's up to Coach Miles. In Les I trust.

I'm worried about a particularly scary rumor that Ryan was given benefits to play at LSU, and that LSU cannot let him go or else he will rat on the school.

This seems doubtful to me. When we recruited Ryan, we already had two talented quarterbacks in our stable. JaMarcus Russell, the big guy from Mobile, Alabama, had finished his redshirt freshman year as had our backup guy Matt Flynn. We were set at quarterback for the next three years. We didn't have a huge need for him at the time.

Ryan picked to go to LSU probably for a few reasons.

1. He didn't like Nick Saban, and he chose LSU after we replaced him with Les Miles.

2. Local pressure.

3. He thought he had a chance to start ahead of JaMarcus Russell and Matt Flynn.

Ryan makes an infamous claim that he will win four Heisman trophies and start ahead of Russell and Flynn as a true freshman.

Instead, he got to watch JaMarcus shake off his jitters and become a powerhouse throwing machine. Russell was named first team All-SEC and was picked first in the NFL draft in 2007. That spring, he decided to try and sneak into a casino while Matt Flynn had an excellent spring performance and was named the starter for 2007.

Flynn played excellently for a while, but nagging injuries occasionally got the best of him. He was criticized for poor play, while Perrilloux was praised as the answer.

Ryan got to start in the SEC Championship game ahead Flynn, who had a bum shoulder. He was named MVP after an excellent performance. Flynn got to start again for the National Championship game, where he was masterful, the torch was to be passed.

But Ryan fucked up by not going to class and was suspended. A month later, days before he was to be reinstated, this happens. Goddammit.

It's a hard choice for Les Miles, and I put it in his hands to make the right decision on Perrilloux's future. If Ryan gets cut, LSU's options will include Harvard transfer Andrew Hatch and redshirt freshman Jarrett Lee, neither of which have the experience or talent Ryan has, but hopefully the ability to keep their cool.

Laundry Service

I need to do the laundry.  I don't want to do the laundry.

I went to Wal-Mart to buy some fabric softener sheets and get some cash back for the laundry machines, and now I'm back and... I don't feel like doing it.

My room is a wreck. My roommate, Ahmed, is a slob. I'm an even bigger slob. With no one to be the mother, our slobbish ways just pile up. There's laundry and trash on the floor. Everywhere. I need to clean up. I needed to clean up weeks ago. I'm too lazy.

As I'm typing this, I'm trying to use only one space between sentences. It's because the Daily Reveille only allows one space between sentences, and I'm so used to using two. It's a bad habit that needs to stop as soon as possible. Like my perpetual messiness, but this space thing is a lot easier to fix.

I just realized how much of a hypocrite I am. I consider messiness in others a big turnoff, and yet I'm the complete epitome of slobby blobby globbiness. I suck.

Migraine.

Despite it being April 2nd, my body decided to pull an April Fools' joke on me.

I woke up, and I had a little irritation behind my left eye.  Nothing big.

I have breakfast, and after I finish, the irritation got worse.  I go inside.  I take two Excedrin.  Nothing happens.  I wait for a bit.  Nothing happens.

I go to the Union Store to buy super-overpriced Sudafed.  I pop a pill.  Nothing happens.  It gets worse.  There's a little finger in my skull poking my eye from behind.

Oh fuck I have to take a test for German.

I call Mom.  Mom tells me that eye pain is nothing to fool around with and advises me to go to the doctor.  I write a sloppy note for Frau Angelika.  I beg her to excuse me.  She demands a doctor's slip with date, time and phone number.  I go to the Student Health Center.

I wait for my appointment.  Around 10:10 AM, the pain magically disappears.  Wonderful.

I go see the doctor anyways.  She tells me it was probably a migraine due to a mix of congestion, humidity, sinus pressure and stress and (thankfully, I guess) nothing serious.

I get a copy of my record, and I'm praying she will accept it.

Now I'm in Hodges, working on the Opera story.  At least I can get that done.

New James Read Hunter Song: "Faces Of Death"

James Read Hunter – Faces Of Death

I'm still sick, so the voice is kind of limited, but I think it's a cool little song.  The guitar solo utilizes my new Big Muff Pi distortion pedal, and the percussion is foot stomps, finger snaps, and hand claps, as well as tambourine.  Enjoy!

Screw getting sick.

I wanted to record a few songs this week.  But I got sick, and my voice is totally shot.

Right now, I'm on two Mucinexes, sudaffed, and two tylenol.  It's not as bad as the one I had last semester during finals.  That one was horrible.

It's a mild cold, but it's annoying.

I went to the Student Health Center.  I told her everything I was doing, and she just said, "yeah, you have a cold.  Just keep doing what your doing."

LSU baseball is playing mediocre.  Ol' Skip Bertman can't seem to hire a good baseball coach, even though baseball is his own sport.  (Bertman is considered one of the top two or three college baseball coaches of all time.  He won five College World Series in a decade's span (1991, 1993, 1996, 1997, 2000.))

Our men's basketball team sucked too.

Well, at least we have our football team and our beautiful crystal football.  Nice.

Lady Tigers basketball is in the Sweet Sixteen.  Sylvia Fowles is a weast (woman beast= weast).

Random Kickass Song Of The Moment: "Ooh La La" by Faces.

(Written by Ronnie Lane and Ronnie Wood for the album Ooh La La, released by Warner Bros. Records in 1973.)

This is the best homemade music video I could find with the original recording of this song by the Faces.  The singer is not Rod Stewart, who would later cover the song as a solo artist but at the time felt it was below him.  Rather, it is guitarist and future Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood.  His unpolished warble fits the vibe of the song perfectly.  It's about love and growing older, but it's catchy, and the use of mandolin is perfect.

I was thinking about this song the other day, and I just remembered the line that goes "I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger."  I searched that line in Google and thankfully came up with this one.  As it turns out, it was actually the Rod Stewart version I listened to originally, but I fell in love with the tumbling original recording, with the mic-shy vocal and its raw, simplistic country beauty.

Eating, Running and Singing

I just got back from playing soccer with some friends and nice strangers out on the parade grounds.  I played goalie, because I have decent reflexes and I'm not that fast, but I did do a good bit of running, mostly when retrieving stray shots.  It felt good to get a bit of exercise.

Most of you who know me know that I am fat. Though none of you want to say it to my face.  Like when I make fat jokes about myself and people are like, "Hey don't say that about yourself." I'm not compliment fishing, bitch. I'm making a joke, and I'm trying to make you laugh.  I'm not that sensitive or self-conscious.

I know I'm fat.  I eat unconsciously.  It's not like I think "I am going to gluttonously eat this big bag of chips."  No, I think "I'll have a few chips, and then save them for tomorrow" and before I know it, the bag is empty.  I throw it away, and I completely forget I ate that big fucking bag of chips.

I don't tell people I eat a lot, because three quarters of the food I eat, I don't remember eating.  It just happens that way.  I bet a lot of the really obese people, like the 600 pound dudes, have the same sort of unconscious problem, just a lot worse.

Sometimes I go on long stretches of time where I don't eat that much at all.  It seems that when I'm feeling hungry (not when I just want to eat, but when I actually feel hunger from not eating), I don't want to eat that much.  I tend to lose a lot of weight during these stretches.  It's an unhealthy way to lose weight, but since when do I do things the healthy way?

"I'm a pretty crappy athlete."  That's the beginning of my song "Three Minute Mile", and it's true.  I'm just not.  I did run with St. Paul's Lutheran School in the 4x400 track relay, and we really did win fifth place.  I hated running around that fucking track, so I pretty much jogged instead.

That song's actually about death.  If I ran a three minute mile, I'd probably die.

When I get back to Peachtree City for the summer, I'm getting a bunch of guys to form a backup band.  It will be James Read Hunter and the James Read Hunters, and all the other guys will wear masks of my face, and I'll wear a mask myself, and then I'll whip it off, and it will be my actual face!  Sweet.

Ryan Perrilloux, we love you, and we want to fucking strangle you.

Ryan, you might want to thank the good Lord for making your dad's sperm and your mom's egg meiose that meiosis to make you a superstar athlete-by-genetics, because if you sucked at sports, you'd suck at everything.  It's not shameful to be stupid.  A lot of great athletes are stupid.  A lot of the greatest people in the world are stupid.  You just have to make sure you don't trip over your own stupid decisions.

Like getting into a brawl up in front of Northgate at 2 AM on a school night DURING FOOTBALL SEASON.  Okay, so you got out of it and you might have been at the wrong place at the wrong time.  But in front of a bar at 2 AM on a school night has a tendency not to be the right place or the right time.

Okay, so missing a few classes isn't a big deal, but team meetings definitely are.  You're going to be the starting quarterback.  You're the guy.  Be the guy.

Please, Ryan.  Please stay the fuck out of trouble.  It's not that hard and the payoff will be BIG!  Look at your old teammate JaMarcus Russell.  He got drafted first overall by the Oakland Raiders, and now he has millions of dollars.  JaMarcus Russell also never got into trouble.  See a connection?

I know you can do it, Ryan.

Modern Music And Retarded Baby Animals

Last Semester, I had to write a piece for unaccompanied clarinet.  I named it Retarded Baby Animals because that's what I thought atonal chamber music sounds like.  It will be premiered April 17th in the School of Music Recital Hall.

Movements:

I: Victor The Mutant Penguin From The Nigerian Tundra

(named after my friend Victor, who actually is from Nigeria)

II: Timothy The Turtle Zombie

(named after my friend Tim, and contains elements from the Turtles' "Happy Together" and the Zombies' "Time Of The Season)

III: Christopher The Almost Flying Squirrel

(named after my friend Miggles)

IV: Jordan The Afro'd Platypus

(named after my friend Jordan, though I don't chill with him as much as I used to.)

It will be premiered by Melissa Morales, and I'm actually meeting up with her today to tell her it's fine no matter what she plays.

That's the thing with modern music- it's all about the titles.

With my new piece, like most pieces of modern music, the title is everything, and the music is nothing.

Here's the titles of different pieces of music, and the points of the title for each.

The Beatles- "She Loves You"- See now you remember the song's hook, which goes "She loves you yeah yeah yeah."

Beethoven- "Symphony #5 In C minor"- It's the fifth symphony he wrote.  And it happens to be in the key of C Minor.  Fancy that.

Dead Kennedys- "We've Got A Bigger Problem Now"- The song was an updated version of "California Uber Alles", but the Dead Kennedys believed that President Ronald Reagan was a bigger problem than Governor Jerry Brown, the subject of the original "California Uber Alles", was.

James Hunter- "Retarded Baby Animals"- to make people laugh and forget how shitty the piece is.